TH’ SQUADRON O’  BILLY-GOATS GRUFF

 Narrator 1:  Ahoy me hearties!  Listen to me tale o’ the three Billy-goats gruff.  Back in the days afore once upon a time thar be three Billy-goat brothers. 

 Narrator 2:  These gentlemen o’ fortune made to go up to th’ hillside to avail themselves of the grub up there an’ become fat.  Th’ way to th’ hillside passed o’er a plank an’ neath this bridge thar lived a troll. 

 Narrator 3:  This tar, he be a real scallywag with deadlights as big as the briny deep an’ a nose as long as a spyglass.  Along came th’ youngest Billy-goat Gruff ter walk th’ plank.

 Littlest Billy-goat Gruff:  Trip, trap! trip, trap!

 Troll:  Yo ho ho!  Who’s th’ dog that be trippin’ o’er me bridge?

 Littlest Billy-goat Gruff:  Sink me!  It only be meself, the wee Billy-goat Gruff.  I be goin’ to th’ hillside to eat th’ grub an’ make meself fat.

 Troll:  Ahoy ye son of a biscuit eater!  I’ll soon be sending ye to Davy Jones’ locker!

 Littlest Billy-goat Gruff:  Arrrgh!  I beg ye to hold fast!  I be but a squiffy when ye measure me against me brother!  Splice the mainbrace ‘til th’ second Billy-goat Gruff pass this way.  He be a jolly big lad.

 Troll:  Ah, yer sweet promises tempt me.  Be off with ye, landlubber.

 Narrator 1:  After waitin’ just a wee bit, th’ second Billy-goat Gruff made to walk th’ plank.

 Second Billy-Goat Gruff:  TRIP, TRAP! TRIP, TRAP! TRIP, TRAP!

 Troll:  Who’s th’ poxed bosun that be trippin’ o’er me bridge?

 Second Billy-Goat Gruff:  Blimey!  It be me, th’ second Billy-goat Gruff. I be goin’ o’er thar to eat th’

grub an’ drink th’ grog an’ make meself fat.

 Troll:  Belay that plan, swab!  I be placin’ the black spot on ye and usin’ th’ cat o’ nine tails on all what be darin’ to cross me bridge!

 Second Billy-Goat Gruff:  Oh ho!  Enough of that bilge ye addled dog.  Allow me to weigh anchor an’ ye can fill yer chest with me brother.  He be as big as a cap’n an’ just as tasty.

 Troll:  Be gone with ye then afore I change my mind and keelhaul ye.

 Narrator 2:  Thar came the largest buccaneer o’ the Brethren, the big Billy-goat Gruff.  

 Narrator 3:  Th’ bridge groaned “TRIP, TRAP! TRIP, TRAP! TRIP, TRAP!” fer th’ old salt be as hearty as his mateys described.

 Troll:  Avast ye blaggard!  Whoever be tramping o’er me bridge will be gettin’ a flogging!.

 Third Billy-Goat Gruff:  By th’ powers!  It’s me, th’ big Billy-goat Gruff.  Gangway smartly fer I be

goin’ o’er th’ plank to pillage th’ hillside an’ have me fill o’ grub an’ grog.

 Troll:  Ye sprogs have been trippin’ an’ trappin’ o’er me bridge an’ now I be collectin’ me doubloons an’ turnin’ ye into shark bait!

 Third Billy-Goat Gruff:  Come along then ye lily-livered swab!  I’ve two horns as smart as cutlasses on me head an’ I like nothin’ as much as a bit o’ swashbucklin’.  No quarter!

 Narrator 1:  That be what th’ big goat said an’ then he flew fore th’ troll with a vengeance.  He flogged th’ troll as a cap’n would flog the scurvy dogs who dared belay an order.

 Narrator 2:  An’ then he made fast an’ tossed the scallywag o’er th’ bridge an’ into the briny deep where he went to tell no tales no more.

 Narrator 3:  Then th’ three Billy-goat brethren went together to th’ hillside where they partook o’ th’ swag. 

 All:  Godspeed an’ fair winds me mateys!  Th’ story’s abed an’ yer booty be waitin.